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Answer: I am going to assume some things in order to give an answer to this question. 1) I am assuming that you are both Christians, (read about being unequally yoked together). 2) I am assuming that you are asking how to best express your love for your fiancé without being intimate (read about what God says about sex before marriage). 3) I am assuming you are the female in this relationship, so I will answer mainly from this perspective.
The time of engagement is a time for you to get to know each other, and to determine if this person is truly God's choice for you for a life partner. Being intimate during this time is against God's Word, and is counter-productive to learning the things you need to know about your future spouse.
God's Word tells us that we are to be submissive to each other. 21"...submitting to one another in the fear of God." (Ephesians 5:21) I believe this means we are not to be selfish or self-centered, but we are to look out for each other, and we should have and treat each other with respect.
During this time, you should spend quality time with each other – and learn about each other. What are his/her likes and dislikes? How does each of you view your future together? What kind of job will each of you have, or does he think you should work – or stay home and be a housewife? What kind of work ethic does each of you have?
Where will you live? Where will you go to church? Do you both want children? How many children do you want? Do you want children right away? If not, how will you prevent the birth of a child you do not feel you are ready for at this time? (See a question on contraception, and article on abortion.)
What about finances? Do you agree on how to spend money? How does each of you feel about using credit and being in debt? Do either of you have debt right now? What about tithing? How much do you tithe, what do you tithe on, and where do you tithe? (See a question on giving.)
What about families? How do you feel about his parents and siblings, and how does he feel about your parents and siblings? You can tell how a person will treat their spouse by the way they treat their parents and siblings. Remember, you are marrying your fiancé – but he/she comes with family, and you will need to deal with them for the rest of your life!!
This is also the time you learn about each other's habits. Is the way he/she (coughs, sneezes, laughs, clears their throat, wrinkles their nose, etc.) going to drive you crazy 15 or 20 years from now?
Does the person you are marrying have good personal hygiene? Are they slobs or is their room, apartment, or house clean? Is he use to mom cleaning up after him, or does he pitch in and do his “fair share?”
I have just posed a few of the things you need to learn about each other during this time of engagement. I believe the best way to show your love to your future spouse is by getting to know these details about him, and allowing him to learn these things about you.
In order to do this, you need to spend time together. How can you spend time together, without being tempted to be intimate? A real trap and lie from Satan is, “It is o.k. for us to have sexual intercourse because we are going to get married anyway.”
Until you have made the actual, final commitment to each other before God and witnesses – you are going against God's will for you if you are intimate.
You and your fiancé need to start having devotions together. Start your time together in prayer and end your time together in prayer. Study the Bible together. Limit the time you spend by yourselves. Go out with other couples or friends. Spend time with your families together.
Limit your hugs and kisses – as we know where that can lead! Often times, a touch on the arm or a look from across the room can convey your love and thoughts to your fiancé. Think of special things you can do or make for your fiancé.
I would also suggest that each of you read, memorize, and study 1 Corinthians 13. The love that it speakes of here is the kind of love you should have for each other, especially verses 4-7. Real love in marriage is more than a touchy feely type of emotion, it is a commitment to each other "until death do you part."
“4 Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; 5 does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; 6 does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; 7 bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.” (1 Corinthians 13: 4-7)
Ephesians 5:22-33 is another passage that would be good for you to study together. What does the Bible mean when it says “submit?' (You can read a discussion question about) How does the husband show the same love for his wife as Christ did for the Church? (Another study would be the Ephesians part 4 that covers this topic.)
Are you both ready to leave your father and mother (literally and figuratively as to love, loyalty, and support) and to cleave or cling (make a lifetime vow and commitment – marriage) to each other?
You both should go to your pastor to have marriage counseling. He will be able to give you much more in-depth biblical help on how to prepare to become true “helpmates” to each other.
Thank you for your question, and God bless you as you and your fiancé begin your life together as husband and wife!
Marlene Panell
The Scripture used in this discussion is taken from the New King James Version of the Holy Bible.
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To view other questions visit our Interactive Bible Study Page or read some of our Christian Literature at Bible-Christian.org
Keywords: marriage, fiance, intimacy, family